Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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