guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize