Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
