I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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