Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
