i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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