my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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