we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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