In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
