Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
