I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
