Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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