If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
