i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
