Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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