Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
