grandma shit on top of the toilet
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
