i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
