My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
