Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
