On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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