I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Randomize
