Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
