I met the friendliest cop last night
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
