Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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