she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
