Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
