I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
