Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
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