did you get engaged???
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
