So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
