dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
