I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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