Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
