if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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