people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
