Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
honey bunches of taint.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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