ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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