The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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