I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
