if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
