The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i drank out of a bidet.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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