finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
