I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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