even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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