i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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