I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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