I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
