bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
