either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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