Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
