Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
