i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think i got beer on your cat.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
