I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I think your dad took our porno
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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