U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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