Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
