just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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