my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
