You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
