is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
