I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
one might say we're banned from that church
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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