eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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